Lady Elaine Scares The Shit Out Of Me

My earliest memory is just horror and dread. I’m being held, paralyzed on the floor by Lady Elaine. Yes, that Lady Elaine — the creeptastic puppet from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Only she’s not a puppet. She’s a tiny, crazy bitch. And we’re right there in the living room with my parents but they can’t see what’s happening. With every bit of energy I have I’m trying to scream but nothing comes out. I can’t breath, I can’t move and every nerve is on fire because Lady Elaine is force-choking the hell out of me. Then she leans in close, poking her red, bulbous nose at me and showering spittle in my face as she seethes, “If you even think about saying a single word, I’ll fuck you so hard you’ll wish you were dead.” And just like that, I fully enter my body and I can breath again.